Saturday, April 29, 2006


Van De Camp's "Beer Battered" Fish "Tenders." What was I thinking when I picked these up at the store?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Finishing up the book, "Dead Secret," by Beverly Connor, at 3 a.m. because you are having insomnia. The last page will guarantee you are done sleeping for the night. Yuck.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Even though hard-boiled eggs are supposed to last for a while, I wouldn't push the egg salad more than 5 days post-Easter.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


I would not recommend Twinkies as an impulse purchase at the grocery store. Especially not the box of 10. Just don't, okay?

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Do not feed your children Happy Meals for dinner and then catch the last 30 minutes of "Supersize Me" on the Independent Film Channel. Your regret will be massive, as massive as the ocean, as massive as the clogs in your children's arteries must be.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


For God's sake, if you spend 10 minutes discipling and lecturing and disinfecting your toddler after you catch him playing in the toilet, do NOT forget to wipe the toilet seat. You will remember the wet feeling on the back of your thighs long after you are dry.

Monday, April 10, 2006


Taking your obviously dazed-with-exhaustion child to the playground before dinner just because the temperature has hit a balmy 56 degrees. After he de-clings, he will make a bee-line for the swings, launch himself onto one on his stomach and topple forward onto his face. He will have mulch up his nose and in his mouth and eyes, and will be digging brownish colored boogers out of his nose all evening.


Chocolate pop-tarts for the 3 year old an hour before bedtime.


Mexican food for dinner at 8:30 p.m. is a meal you will always regret.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


When your children have spent the night with their grandparents, don't forget that they are liable to throw themselves onto you with utter disregard for anyone's personal safety when arriving home. Their joy at seeing you will disappear rapidly at the sight of you writhing in agony as you clutch the bridge of your nose.


When you are suffering from a hang-over, don't get lazy about your safety rules for kids. Allowing the 6 year old to clean up the beads from a necklace her brother has broken instead of dragging your sorry ass off the couch is a mistake. The young one with the oral fixation will DEFINITELY find any lost beads and you will spend the night sleepless, wondering if he actually managed to swallow one or not.


Don't forget when you've been sick for a couple weeks and not drinking that your tolerance for alcohol may be less than it used to be.

Friday, April 07, 2006


Don't leave your birth-control pills on a low table where your 3 year old son can find them.


When you make a big vat of chicken corn chowder in your crock pot, don't forget to clean it out after dinner. It will be repulsive when you have to scrape it into the garbage the next day.


Don't attempt to felt 100% wool in your washing machine several times in a row. You will plug up your drain pump and think you have broken your machine and feel like a moron as you pay the repairman.