Sunday, August 20, 2006


Picking a dentist from the yellow pages.

The poor work you will recieve will deteriorate quickly. Within two years, you will be in pain, undergoing a repair of the earlier work by a smug new dentist. You will also be much, much poorer, since your dental insurance will not pay for a new crown on that tooth within 5 years of the original work being done.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


How to Create the Worst. Smell. Ever.

Step 1: Open can of tuna packed in water with can opener.
Step 2: Slosh tuna water all over countertop and new copy of "O" magazine.
Step 3: Mop up with paper towel, then wrinkle nose at tuna smell.
Step 4: Throw away unread "O" magazine.
Step 5: Use cucumber-scented spray cleaner in vain attempt to mask smell.


You have now created the worst smell ever! And you can trust me on this, because I'm a veteran of the Smelly Infant By-Products years. Cucumber and tuna doesn't sound bad, in theory. In reality, it is stomach-churning.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Washing Indian food off plates while wearing a brand new pure white shirt.

Also, pouring coffee while wearing a brand new pure white shirt.

In fact, forget about which particular tasks you do - just don't purchase and wear pure white shirts. Ever.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Traveling to Cape Cod on Friday afternoon and leaving Cape Cod on Sunday afternoon. Come Friday morning and leave early Sunday morning. You can thank me when you get here. Saturday to Monday also works.

Friday, July 07, 2006


Repeat after me: "You need to remember to put sunscreen on your feet."

Monday, June 26, 2006


Looking at this picture.

OK, you know you want to. I'm just not recommending that you do so, because it's gross. But, you know, free will and all that jazz. Just as long as we are clear that I WOULD NOT recommend you doing so. Heh.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Commuting more than 30 minutes to your job.


What a fucking waste of your precious, precious time.

Sunday, June 18, 2006


If you are planning any major life events and ever intend to have children, I have a bit of advice for you.

DO NOT plan your wedding/due date/whatever for any time in the first two weeks of June. Once your children hit school age, this time will forever be a crazed segment of your summer. It sucks the fun right out of any birthdays or anniversaries that happen then, because you are so wrapped up in end-of-school presentations, parties, teacher gifts, etc.

But, you know, whatever. Do what you want, but remember that I told you so when you are frantically rushing around trying to pull together supplies for the ice cream social/teachers appreciation lunch/PTO meeting.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Hauling your grill out from storage and immediately up a full story to it's place on the deck without cleaning it first. It will sit there in all it's 3+ years of beefy caked-on goodness and become a massive wasp attractor right next to your kitchen door. If you try to clean it there, you will end up soaking your deck in all those years of soapy beefy caked-on goodness, and yet the thought of bringing it back down to the yard is too overwhelming to contemplate. It's a conundrum.

Thursday, June 01, 2006


Leaving the sprayer handle attached to the hose all winter. It will rust, and they will become joined, and when the cheap-ass plastic piece controlling the flow on the sprayer breaks, you will not be able to get it off the hose. You will have to replace both 100' hose AND sprayer. This has now happened every winter for the last 3 years. We are idiots.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006



There was an incident, two decades ago, involving me embarrassing myself in a fancy restaurant. All over my leather bomber jacket. Then there was another incident, resulting in my husband waking up and groggily asking me, "Why does my finger hurt so much?" Since I no longer drank Sambuca, I was able to solve the mystery. "Because I watched you and your friend order Sambuca shots, dip your fingers in, light them on fire, down the shots and blow out your fingers? Twice?"

Sambuca is evil.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Friday, May 12, 2006


Getting involved in your in-law's internal family dynamic issues = bad idea. I'm just sayin'. Let your partner deal with them - they are his/her family, and thus his/her problem and you will never understand them like he/she does.

Another hint: if you find yourself starting to feel a little smug about the level of dysfunction your partner's family is currently exhibiting, just remember that time your brother punched out your dad's windshield.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Eating soup while working on your laptop.

Monday, May 08, 2006


Immersing yourself in a giant fishbowl for a week. Yaargh.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Van De Camp's "Beer Battered" Fish "Tenders." What was I thinking when I picked these up at the store?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Finishing up the book, "Dead Secret," by Beverly Connor, at 3 a.m. because you are having insomnia. The last page will guarantee you are done sleeping for the night. Yuck.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Even though hard-boiled eggs are supposed to last for a while, I wouldn't push the egg salad more than 5 days post-Easter.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


I would not recommend Twinkies as an impulse purchase at the grocery store. Especially not the box of 10. Just don't, okay?

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Do not feed your children Happy Meals for dinner and then catch the last 30 minutes of "Supersize Me" on the Independent Film Channel. Your regret will be massive, as massive as the ocean, as massive as the clogs in your children's arteries must be.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


For God's sake, if you spend 10 minutes discipling and lecturing and disinfecting your toddler after you catch him playing in the toilet, do NOT forget to wipe the toilet seat. You will remember the wet feeling on the back of your thighs long after you are dry.

Monday, April 10, 2006


Taking your obviously dazed-with-exhaustion child to the playground before dinner just because the temperature has hit a balmy 56 degrees. After he de-clings, he will make a bee-line for the swings, launch himself onto one on his stomach and topple forward onto his face. He will have mulch up his nose and in his mouth and eyes, and will be digging brownish colored boogers out of his nose all evening.


Chocolate pop-tarts for the 3 year old an hour before bedtime.


Mexican food for dinner at 8:30 p.m. is a meal you will always regret.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


When your children have spent the night with their grandparents, don't forget that they are liable to throw themselves onto you with utter disregard for anyone's personal safety when arriving home. Their joy at seeing you will disappear rapidly at the sight of you writhing in agony as you clutch the bridge of your nose.


When you are suffering from a hang-over, don't get lazy about your safety rules for kids. Allowing the 6 year old to clean up the beads from a necklace her brother has broken instead of dragging your sorry ass off the couch is a mistake. The young one with the oral fixation will DEFINITELY find any lost beads and you will spend the night sleepless, wondering if he actually managed to swallow one or not.


Don't forget when you've been sick for a couple weeks and not drinking that your tolerance for alcohol may be less than it used to be.

Friday, April 07, 2006


Don't leave your birth-control pills on a low table where your 3 year old son can find them.


When you make a big vat of chicken corn chowder in your crock pot, don't forget to clean it out after dinner. It will be repulsive when you have to scrape it into the garbage the next day.


Don't attempt to felt 100% wool in your washing machine several times in a row. You will plug up your drain pump and think you have broken your machine and feel like a moron as you pay the repairman.