Sunday, August 20, 2006


Picking a dentist from the yellow pages.

The poor work you will recieve will deteriorate quickly. Within two years, you will be in pain, undergoing a repair of the earlier work by a smug new dentist. You will also be much, much poorer, since your dental insurance will not pay for a new crown on that tooth within 5 years of the original work being done.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


How to Create the Worst. Smell. Ever.

Step 1: Open can of tuna packed in water with can opener.
Step 2: Slosh tuna water all over countertop and new copy of "O" magazine.
Step 3: Mop up with paper towel, then wrinkle nose at tuna smell.
Step 4: Throw away unread "O" magazine.
Step 5: Use cucumber-scented spray cleaner in vain attempt to mask smell.


You have now created the worst smell ever! And you can trust me on this, because I'm a veteran of the Smelly Infant By-Products years. Cucumber and tuna doesn't sound bad, in theory. In reality, it is stomach-churning.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Washing Indian food off plates while wearing a brand new pure white shirt.

Also, pouring coffee while wearing a brand new pure white shirt.

In fact, forget about which particular tasks you do - just don't purchase and wear pure white shirts. Ever.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Traveling to Cape Cod on Friday afternoon and leaving Cape Cod on Sunday afternoon. Come Friday morning and leave early Sunday morning. You can thank me when you get here. Saturday to Monday also works.

Friday, July 07, 2006


Repeat after me: "You need to remember to put sunscreen on your feet."

Monday, June 26, 2006


Looking at this picture.

OK, you know you want to. I'm just not recommending that you do so, because it's gross. But, you know, free will and all that jazz. Just as long as we are clear that I WOULD NOT recommend you doing so. Heh.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Commuting more than 30 minutes to your job.


What a fucking waste of your precious, precious time.